NEXT ON SMALLVILLE 7x20 Artic - May 15, 2008 8/7c LEX DISCOVERS CLARK'S SECRET — Kara (Laura Vandervoort) tells Lex (Michael Rosenbaum) he is destined to defeat the Traveler and offers to take him to the Fortress to learn how. Clark (Tom Welling) is stunned that Kara would go to Lex but it is revealed that Brainiac is impersonating Kara and she's actually trapped in the Phantom Zone. Chloe is arrested by the Department of Domestic Security and Lana awakens from her comatose state. Meanwhile, in an epic turn of events, Clark and Lex face off in the Fortress and Lex learns Clark's secret. Erica Durance and Aaron Ashmore also star. QUICK LINKS DI on MySpace: / ZodCast on MySpace: / Fans Around the World / Lois Lane's Daily Journal / Redboots / The Clois Fanfic Archive / Christopher Reeve Foundation / Guestbook FEATURED CLIP TOP AFFILIATES { All Affiliates } BANTER LOG Lois: You've just been hit by lightning, you're stark naked, and, uh, you don't even remember your own name. You have a fairly loose definition of "fine." { All Quotes } SEARCH FOR SMALLVILLE @ Amazon.com @ eBay.com @ AllPosters.com SITE STATS Clois fans online You are visitor # Since 11/27/04 CONTACT US For any news and information or to contact HappyEnding.Org Staff, you can e-mail one of the following: Webmaster: Jerilee Co-Webmasters Nautica7mk, ZodCast and Arwen DISCLAIMER We are in no way affiliated with Tom Welling, Erica Durance, Smallville or The WB. This site is strictly a fansite and nothing monetary is gained. SUPERMAN and all related elements are the property of DC Comics.

Reviews

4:08 SPELL Review

By Zoomway

This is really the only screen capture necessary since this was pretty much all the episode was about. You know an episode is going to be long with it starts in the year 1604.

Yes, we have a flashback to a witch burning, but I'm not sure where it was taking place other than it was supposed to be Europe. Lana was there as Countess Theroux. You know, the one who has a tomb in a church in France that Lana did a rubbing of and then she woke up the next morning with a tattoo of squiggles on her lower back that corresponded to squiggles on the cave wall and the squiggles that were on the transference stone. Remember? No? That's okay, none of it has anything to do with the Superman myth.

Anyway, French Lana, who spoke perfect American, dude, was about to be burned at the stake with two of her minions. The minions begged Lana Theroux to do something to save them, but she said she didn't have her magic book, so they were up Crap Creek without locomotion. It never fails, whatever talisman a villain or a hero needs is always carelessly left on the coffee table or the checkout counter at Target.

The magistrate presiding at the bonfire had the book. Lana Theroux said, "I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board" Uh, I mean she said, "Magistrate Wilkins, come to enjoy your handiwork?" Then he smacked her for doing a poor Princess Leia impersonation.

He opened the book to a page Lana Theroux had bookmarked and asked "What means this?" She spit blood on the page, spewed some Latin and then that darned squiggly tattoo appeared. Wilkins called her a demon and had her escorted to the pyre where her minions wept for mercy and evil Lana Theroux just laughed ... evilly. She said, "You think this ends with a lick of flame? I sleep but a while and when the time is appointed, my heir will awaken me and I will have vengeance!" More evil laughing.

We then flash forward to 2004 where people don't say "What means this?" anymore, assuming they ever did. Lana was showing off the book of magic to Jason that she bought on ebay. Yes, the book of magic that her ancestor Countess Theroux spit blood in. No wonder Lex paid too much for his 14th century manuscript page. He didn't shop ebay first. Lana said she maxed out her credit card to get it and that begs the question, what the hell does Lana do for a living now? How will she make her credit card payments? How does she pay rent? How does she make payments on her Jeep Liberty? This mystery is more intriguing than the caves ever were.

Lana opened the book and asked Jason how good his Latin was and he said, "About as good as my Italian, which I don't speak." Thumbing through the ancient pages, she came across the one with the spit. The fire in the fireplace went out. When Jason went to tend it, Lana let her fingers do the walking through the spittle and suddenly the squiggly picture glowed in the book as did the squiggly picture on Lana and the fire roared back and Jason leaped out of the way.

From this point forward, she was Lana Theroux. Jason asked if she was okay and she said, "Never been better" and finally the Smallville theme started. Yes, I told you it would be a long episode.

After the opening titles, Lois showed up and forced Clark to host Chloe's 18th birthday party in the Kent barn. Is it really 2005? Chloe's tombstone showed her year of birth as 1987.

Meanwhile, Lana Theroux was cooking up a potion that called for hair from two virgins. She plucked one of her own hairs and examined it. "We've been a good little girl, haven't we?" Of course she has. Lana is the vestal virgin of Smallville.

At that moment Lois and Chloe barged in and Lana told them she was working on a science project. Then Lois asked Chloe if she'd go fetch her cell phone left in the car. Chloe replied, "No worries. This whole air of science has made me crave an aromatic latte anyway." No worries? Is she channeling Crocodile Dundee? Will she go walkabout shortly?

Anyway, it was a ruse so that Lois could ask Lana why she hadn't taken Chloe shopping to get her out of the way for the surprise party planning. Lana said it slipped her mind. Lois told her to get some traction and then Lana plucked one of Lois' hairs and said, "Oh, no, this is no good." Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Lois is no virgin.

Lana decided to check out Clark's moral roots instead. I don't know why she passed on Chloe, but I believe Chloe's flower status is being saved for an upcoming episode. Clark was doing a horrible job wrapping Chloe's present when Lana walked in. We later find out it's not the only thing Clark stinks at. Lana noted that it was a big box. How did they slip up and not have Lana say "Ooh, what a big package" for their overdone gutter motif?

Clark said it was a present he and Lois bought for Chloe, but we don't find out what it is. Due to Clark's utter lack of interest in Chloe's birthday and lack of care wrapping her present, it was probably something Lois picked out and Clark opened his tight wallet and tossed in a couple of bucks.

Lana, who is always given a slutty personality when she's transformed from her usual mousy self, made a move on Clark. He said, "Jason's my friend." I don't know why that reply made me laugh, but it did. Lana's pass at Clark, however, was merely so she could bring the scissors from behind her back and cut Clark's hair. Of course the scissors broke.

Clark asked Lana what she was doing. "I need a lock of your hair for a scrapbook I'm making for Chloe's birthday," she lied. So Clark plucked out some of his own hair. "Is this enough?" Lana looked at the virgin roots. "It's perfect." Pure Clark. Pure Lana. Tainted Lois.

Lana Theroux then paid a visit to Lex, who had no hair to pluck, but he was playing the piano beautifully. Why do I mention that? Because in the episode Hearafter from last year when Lex was talking to Adam, who was playing the piano, didn't Lex say he never learned to play the piano because he didn't have the patience? Oh, well ...

Lana asked Lex if she could have a bottle of wine to celebrate Chloe's birthday. Lex said, "The last time I checked, she wasn't turning twenty-one yet." "I know, but it would be nice to raise a glass with her and Lois to celebrate. I promise I won't tell anyone where I got it from. It'll be our little secret," she said in her airy sex kitten voice. Lex, the dope, relented, and got her the wine.

Lana noticed the 14th century manuscript page, you know, the one that was to be put in the Luthor Corp vault? Lex began to explain its significance, but Lana said, "You're lying. You know its true nature, but the map was not meant for you."

"How did you know there was a map hidden under the page?"

"Because," she said and spewed more Latin and the page vanished. She then pointed her pinkish-purplish swirly magic finger at Lex. "You seek the stones, don't you? Well," she said, grabbing the bottle of wine from Lex, "we can't have that." Then she cast a spell on Lex so he'd keep playing the piano. Sort of The Red Shoes for hands, if you like mixed metaphors.

Lana, with her wine-laced potion, met with Chloe and Lois out in the woods. They drank a toast and then Theroux's minions possessed Lois and Chloe's bodies. Possessed Lois said, "I'm gorgeous" and then grabbed her boobs and said, "Look at these." Were women obsessed with big boobs in the early 1600s? Maybe some ancestor of Pam Anderson had a thriving hollow gourd business.

Lana Theroux and her moron minions crashed Chloe's party, which was already in progress. The witchy trio put a spell on the party so that various bits of clothing would be removed. The only things we learn from this scene is that a recruiter from Princeton was there to see Clark and that this version of Clark Kent is the dopiest dancer since Elaine on Seinfeld, or possibly even Gomer Pyle.

Dead Astaire went running to Lex to ask if he could contact Princeton and smooth things over with the recruiter, but found Lex, bloody fingers and all, still playing the piano. Clark broke the spell by pushing the piano away. Lex told Clark that Lana was responsible.

Speaking of the little spellbinder, Jason entered her apartment and opened the book of magic. Lana told the "little man" not to mess with it, or he'd get hurt. When he threatened to burn it, she made the book fly from his hands. Okay, if she had that kind of power even without touching the book, why didn't she use that power at the Bell, Book and Candle bonfire and square-dance four hundred years ago?

No matter, Clark burst in and shouted, "Lana, no!" so of course she tossed Jason through the window just to be contrary. Clark whooshed out and caught him and then saw an invitation from Lana to meet in the barn at midnight. It was hard to miss since it was spelled out in burning letters.

Clark, perhaps proving that Krypton blew up due to the inherent stupidity of its citizens, arrived at the barn and was beaten up, chained up and stripped of his powers and flannel shirt. After a creepy kiss with Lana Theroux, pink smoke came out of his mouth and it blabbed that one of the stones was in the cave. The witches departed.

Jason showed up just after the nick of time and unchained Clark and explained that Lana was possessed by the spirit of a 17th century witch. "Wait a minute, Lana's been possessed by an evil witch?" Clark asked, his brain trying so hard to function you could hear the hamster screaming. I give Jason credit for not dragging out the puppets and pie charts. Instead, Jason asked whither the wicked witches. Clark lied and said he didn't know. Lying is really the only thing Clark is good at. He told Jason to look at the Talon and he'd look at the school. Then Jason told Clark to be careful.

You know, Jason is so darn nice and caring, I almost believe he was meant to be on 7th Heaven, but showed up on the wrong set. He'll probably turn out to be evil, or die heroically like Whitney. It won't matter in either case since Clark will never be free of the Lana curse. Speaking of ...

The witches explored the cave while Lana spoke some seriously inane dialogue. "The first stone of power lies behind this wall and with it, our power shall increase ten fold and when we posses all the stones, we shall walk on earth as gods among men." Okay, they can already throw people around, make things fly, levitate, vanish, etc., so what will the stones do? Allow them to surf the Internet up to 5 times faster?

After the three of them opened the cave wall by chanting Latin at it, Lana said, "All of our pain and persecution ends tonight." "And our future begins tonight," Lois Minion added. This was all like a cheap horror movie from the 70s, like Satan's Cheerleaders.

Just as Lana reached for the stone of whatever, Clark showed up with a shotgun. Last week Jonathan said that Clark was getting more like him and this kind of cinches it. Was he going to shoot the bodies of Lana, Chloe and Lois?

Lana said, "You shoont've of come." Really, that's what she said and Lois whooshed the shotgun out of Clark's hands.

Lana prattled on about bearing witness to the dawn of a new age and grabbed the stone, which didn't seem to want her to grab it, because she screamed in pain and tossed it. Clark picked it up and it restored his powers. I think Clark loses his powers every other episode.

His powers restored, Clark used heat vision to burn the book of magic spells. Then, like so many episodes before it, a lot of bright light and people unconscious on the floor. Then, after a ton of commercials, they all woke up and don't remember anything ... as usual. Lana asked Clark what happened, he replied, "Let's just say you haven't been yourself lately." That happens almost as often as Clark losing his powers.

The next morning, yes, this episode went on forever, Clark galloped downstairs and Martha said Jonathan was out doing his chores and Clark apologized. Then Jonathan came in and held up a lacy bra. "Is there something you'd like to tell your mother and me?" I'm sure other reviewers have made cross-dressing jokes, so I'll move on. Clark said, "It was magic." "I'm sure it was." (baroom ching!)

Welling isn't very adept at doing muddled, comedy-of-errors dialogue. It's too staged looking and maybe he's gotten a bit too old to look like an embarrassed kid. Anyway, he ends the scene by saying magic is real and can hurt him. Ya think? After that, Lex showed up to speak with Lana and confessed he was the one who got Jason fired. "I only had your best interests at heart." They've really turned Lex into a gooey mess. Speaking of ...

Soft, dull gooey music started playing while Clark was cleaning up the loft and I knew a horrible moment was coming. Something that had been blissfully absent for a long time -- the loft sig file. Lana thanked Clark for rescuing her, apologized for thinking he got Jason fired and then even confessed about her tattoo. She asked Clark what it meant and he lied and said he didn't know. Clark remains the least honorable person on the show.

The episode ended with Lex in the cave looking at the Lana tattoo symbol on the wall. Are they implying he knows what it is and that it's branded on Lana? Do I care? Nope, not really.

This episode was pretty silly. Why did Theroux, who was burned as a witch, have a tomb in a church? We know it's not because she was misjudged as being a witch, because it's clear she had a union card in that craft. And Lois was wasted. It's like this script was finished before they realized they had Lois for 13 episodes instead of 4. I imagine it was originally just Lana and Chloe, but they had to wedge Lois in. She had little to say or do and her only purpose for being there seemed to be so we could all find out she's not a virgin. Weeee

Next week, Lex, blood and brunettes.

Zoom (forgive any typoes, I'm pooped)

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