NEXT ON SMALLVILLE 7x20 Artic - May 15, 2008 8/7c LEX DISCOVERS CLARK'S SECRET — Kara (Laura Vandervoort) tells Lex (Michael Rosenbaum) he is destined to defeat the Traveler and offers to take him to the Fortress to learn how. Clark (Tom Welling) is stunned that Kara would go to Lex but it is revealed that Brainiac is impersonating Kara and she's actually trapped in the Phantom Zone. Chloe is arrested by the Department of Domestic Security and Lana awakens from her comatose state. Meanwhile, in an epic turn of events, Clark and Lex face off in the Fortress and Lex learns Clark's secret. Erica Durance and Aaron Ashmore also star. QUICK LINKS DI on MySpace: / ZodCast on MySpace: / Fans Around the World / Lois Lane's Daily Journal / Redboots / The Clois Fanfic Archive / Christopher Reeve Foundation / Guestbook FEATURED CLIP TOP AFFILIATES { All Affiliates } BANTER LOG Lois: It's funny, I never thought she'd fall for the farm boy type. Martha: Trust me, that can happen to the best of us. Lois: Not me. Give me a nerd with glasses any day of the week. Martha: Clark has many sides. Lois: Yeah, I've seen several of them already. { All Quotes } SEARCH FOR SMALLVILLE @ Amazon.com @ eBay.com @ AllPosters.com SITE STATS Clois fans online You are visitor # Since 11/27/04 CONTACT US For any news and information or to contact HappyEnding.Org Staff, you can e-mail one of the following: Webmaster: Jerilee Co-Webmasters Nautica7mk, ZodCast and Arwen DISCLAIMER We are in no way affiliated with Tom Welling, Erica Durance, Smallville or The WB. This site is strictly a fansite and nothing monetary is gained. SUPERMAN and all related elements are the property of DC Comics.

Reviews

4:02 Gone Review

By Zoomway

When I was a kid, the last two weeks of summer vacation were the worst. I knew, no matter how much fun I was having, it would soon be over. Well, knowing Lana was coming back to Smallville had that same effect on me.

The episode opened with Lois and Clark going to the site of the exploded "safe house" where Chloe met her apparent demise.

Clark, sounding very Smallvillish, said "None of this would have happened if I'd been there."

"Okay, Commando," Lois said. "I don't get you. Half the time you're all meek and 'yes, Ma and yes Pa,' and the other half, you're the most overconfident guy I've ever met."

"Doesn't happen to you very much, does it?" Clark asked. "Not being able to peg someone right away."

"Oh, get over yourself," Lois said, and you could actually hear her eyes rolling. "You are not that complicated."

As they were examining the ruins of the safe house, a military helicopter appeared and dropped off a few black-clad military types armed with what appeared to be the ultimate in electronic stun guns.

Lois ran ahead but was cut off by the helicopter and another combatant hopped off. Clark applied heat vision to the helicopter to force it to land while Lois fought the last attacker.

Lois' fighting style is quite different from Lana's and I don't just mean that it looks more realistic. It's like Lois was using the old jujitsu technique of chops, kicks, punches and throws. I guess it makes sense for Lois since jujitsu was a military type of fighting style in feudal Japan. Clark was so taken aback by her martial arts display, that Lois had to literally tug his arm to get him moving again.

"Nothing like a little North by Northwest action to get the blood pumping, huh?" Lois asked as she entered the bathroom where Clark was taking a shower.

Clark, like a demure damsel whose virtue was about to be compromised, said, "We usually take turns in the bathroom," but did take a moment to peep at Lois' legs from the shower curtain.

"Don't start with me, Smallville. I'm not the one taking the marathon shower."

The use of 'Smallville' as an endearment or putdown of Clark comes from the comics via the Superman animated series.

"Besides," Lois continued. "My feminine sensibilities weren't offended the first time I caught a glimpse of ... Clark Jr."

Clark then let Lois know that his parents freaked out the last time they caught him in a "coed" situation (that was with the obsessed transporter girl from last season).

"So the eagle scout does have a few secrets in the closet," Lois said, giving some foreshadowing to Clark's days as Superman, the "big blue boy scout" and not foreshadowing for Clex fans who might have enjoyed the closet comment too much.

"You're wearing my shirt," Clark whined. This is possibly foreshadowing for Lois, who often made herself comfortable in Clark's shirts.

Lois informed him it was the only thing she could find that was clean and asked him to keep their "game of chopper tag" a secret.

As Clark tried to exit, his retreat was blocked by Martha. When Lois peered over Clark's shoulder and said, "Hi, Mrs. Kent," Martha's horrified expression indicated to me that she saw Lois as a type of threat. Whether a threat to Clark's virginity, or a threat to her authority over Clark, I don't know. Heck, Martha was so busy pimping Lana to Clark last season, maybe Lois is a threat to Martha's fantasy of Lana and Clark getting married and staying bland forever after.

Lana obsessed about her mysterious tattoo as the strains of a song played in my head ...

Don't know the reason,
Lana came back this season
With nothing to show but her brand new tattoo.
But it's a real beauty,
A Kryptonian cootie, and how it got there
I haven't a clue.

While I was wasting away in Lanaville, the warrior princes began combing through her photos and found one of Clark standing in the caves in front of a painting that resembled her tattoo. You could almost smell the fresh paint from this hitherto unseen glyph.

Lana decided her destiny was back in Smallville in a cave. Don't we all?

It was now time for Lois and Clark to be grilled by Martha and Jonathan. It's at this point it's very clear that there are two distinctly different shows taking place. The teen adventures of Lois and Clark, which have humor and allow Tom Welling to dip outside of his three facial expression limit, and then there's Smallville, an angst-filled dark show that interrupts periodically.

"I don't understand what the big deal is here," Lois said. "We just took a shower."

"Showers," Clark quickly corrected. "We took separate showers."

"At noon?" Martha, the shower timekeeper asked.

"We just ..."

"Went to Chloe's safe house," Clark said. "These guys showed up and chased us into a field, there was all this dirt ..."

"Clark," Jonathan interrupted. "That was a federal crime scene and the last thing we want is for you kids to get involved with the FBI."

"Whoever it was, we don't need to worry," Lois assured them. "Because their chopper is face first in the field."

Somehow the Kents didn't find it too reassuring. Jonathan, Martha and Clark all exchanged glances. Lois finally broke the silence, "Your non-verbals are killing me and this seems like a family matter so I'm just gonna get out of the way."

That was the third time in the episode that Lois said something (non-verbals) that was actually more Chloe-like that Lois-like. I'm here to say, Cut it out!

Then Jonathan delivered a line so few fathers get to say, "Please tell me that you did not crash that helicopter."

There goes the allowance.

As Smallville returns to take over the show, Lex and Lionel exchange harsh words and vague threats. Boy, that's new.

Then, because things had gotten a little too exciting, Lana returned to Smallville and paid a visit to Lex. She said Paris wasn't really for her and felt she had to return home and wanted to rent the apartment over the Talon. With what income is unclear. Just as it's unclear who was making payments or her Jeep Liberty while she was gone.

Then the scene shifted to the next morning and Lois sneaking out of the house to go dig up Chloe's coffin. She must not be a morning person. What I wondered was why? I mean we all saw Clark's x-ray view of the coffin and already know it's empty. The freak of the week showed up with T-1000 powers. That's the metal guy from Terminator 2 who could morph his limbs into sharp objects.

He attacked Lois, but we already saw her fighting earlier, so this too seemed redundant, but then it hit me ...

It was all about Lana! Lana decided she'd finally visit Chloe's grave in her hot off-the-shoulder Paris number. Wouldn't you know it was the exact moment Lois was in dire straits? Lana maced the guy and helped Lois up.

This is where, alas, I began to realize that even the mighty Lois Lane would falter in Smallville. The next scene confirmed it.

Lana drove Lois back to the Kent farm. Lois also dubbed the freak "Ginsu Boy," which was also something Chloe would have done. I could feel Lois fading.

Clark went back to his first season limited repertoire of facial expressions. "You're back from Paris. I guess you found what you were looking for."

"I'll say," Lois agreed. "Who wouldn't want a hot summer fling in the most romantic city in the world?"

How long is the drive from the cemetery to the Kent farm? Lana told Lois, someone she just met, about her fling?

Lana looked nonplused. "I was going to tell you."

"It's okay," Clark lied.

"Really?" Lois asked, finally realizing Lana and Clark had been an item. "You two?"

Don't feel bad, Lois, we say that every episode.

Lana decided she should get going, which prompted Lois to say, "The awkward tension is just getting started."

No, Lois, it's not getting started, it's chronic, like a cancer that will never go into remission.

The next scene Lois followed Clark up to his barn loft nattering away about LuthorCorp paying for Chloe's funeral and asking why they'd bury an empty casket. Unfortunately for Lois and the rest of us, Supermope was back.

Lois gazed at Clark's boo-boo face. "Wow, she didn't take any prisoners, did she?"

Clark made no response and so Lois continued. "Lana. Cute, smart, gutsy and way too much for you to handle. I can see why you're in love with her."

There is it, folks, the end of Lois' credibility for me on Smallville. I knew it wouldn't last, I just didn't think it would vanish so soon. It might be a blessing in disguise, though. If they hadn't made Lois into just one more Lana lover, the ratings might have improved.

Clark informed Lois, "I don't want to talk to you about this."

"Suit yourself."

Then Clark, more in Lois fashion than in Clark fashion, decided to talk about it anyway. "It's just ... I knew she'd be dating other people ..."

"But?"

"I just don't understand how you feel you can know someone so completely like you know everything about them and then all of a sudden ..."

"You don't even know what continent they're on."

Supermope got cranky. "Do you always have to finish people's thoughts?"

The word "always" only works if we've seen someone do something repeatedly, which we haven't.

At this point a helicopter showed up and beamed light into the loft window and a general strode up the stairs. Lois shrugged. "Hi, Daddy."

General Lane and Lois were invited to stay for dinner, but the general begged off. Lois took the opportunity to hug Clark good-bye in order to whisper, "This is about Chloe. Clark, find the connection to LuthorCorp."

Oh, check out Jonathan when Lois goes to hug Clark, he seems pissed. Now both Kents seem to hate Lois.

Once upon a time, a classier Lois Lane, who did not like Lana (thank, heaven!), decided a kiss good-bye was a better way to get close enough to whisper. Sigh, just to hear that Lois say, "I think I hate her," of Lana Lang makes me misty.

Then there's a dull scene between Clark and Lex about Chloe's whereabouts. Lex says that the autopsy was sealed to spare the gory details of Chloe's death and so an empty casket was buried. However, Clark sees one of General Lane's cigars in the ashtray and knows Lex is being less than forthcoming. I'm shocked.

That was followed by a scene of Lionel in the shower while "Flower Duet" from Lakme (or the British Airways ad if you prefer) was playing. A thug came in and stabbed Lex in the gut. Either this guy wasn't an assassin, or he, like everyone else, was unable to locate Lionel's heart.

We then cut (no pun intended) to Lois rifling through her father's files at the military base as Clark busts in. He scolds her for what she's doing, but I'm not even sure why. Anyway, he informs Lois that he thinks Lex and her father are working together because he found one of his cigars there.

"I knew it! What do you know, my dad and the king of the trust fund kids." Yep, more Chloe-isms.

One thing about Lois, though, is that when Clark looked at an old photo of Lois, her mother and father, she said "I can talk about her, you know, she died when I was six."

What's this? No long story about how she last felt safe at a drive-in theater when she was 3? She didn't buy the USO canteen where her mother and father first met and turn it into a coffee house? She doesn't have abandonment issues? Yet we're supposed to believe she likes Lana Lang? Yeah, right.

Lois handed Clark a log book and said, "Make yourself useful."

He found log entries for 'Nellie Blye' which Lois mistook for the name of some woman her father must be dating considering how many times he paid her a visit. Clark explained that Nellie Blye was a famous undercover reporter from a century ago and Chloe's hero.

Some were appalled that Lois didn't have a clue who Nellie Blye was, but they have to keep in mind that this version of Lois, sadly, was not bitten by the reporter bug at a young age. That facet of Lois Lane was stolen by the producers and given to Chloe.

Lois gave the address of Nellie Blye to Clark who super sped to the location. He found a place with a couple of dead federal agents, but no Chloe. Then Lex showed up and did some exposition about Chloe and her father being put into a tunnel left behind by the underground railroad. The house exploded caving in the tunnel entrance so no one suspected they made it out alive. Lex had also given Chloe a tracking bracelet and said it traced her to the old foundry. Clark, again, super sped to the location.

Chloe was hanging by her wrists from a hook, a la Lois in Pheromone, My Lovely. She was put there by Ginsu Boy after he killed the two feds who had been guarding her. It turns out he was working for Lionel (gasp!) and he wanted more money before killing Chloe.

While he negotiated with Lionel, Chloe managed to extricate herself and probably would have gotten away if Ginsu Boy hadn't returned so soon. We knew she was going to survive because he decided to throttle her with his metal hand rather than cut her throat. Clark showed up and pulled him away, then Lois started blasting him with one of the super stun guns and Clark started pounding him with heat vision. The freak blew into a million pieces. We'll be told that Clark didn't kill him, that the freak just "discorporated" and slunk into the slag to regroup.

Chloe was rescued and hugged Clark and Lois. "I'm so glad I found you," Lois said.

"I?" Clark said, obviously feeling a "we" should go in there, but to me it didn't sound like Lois was hogging the credit. She just sounded relieved that Chloe was found alive.

Then we cut to the next scene in a courtroom where a very smug Lionel looks horrified to see Chloe march in very much alive and ready to testify against him. Oh, wait, that would have been the next "logical" scene, so it never happened.

Instead, we got a newspaper headline saying Lionel was found guilty and then Clark began carping about how he now thinks Lex is his true enemy because he lied to his face about Chloe. We're basically told to forget how often Lex genuinely did help Clark and his family and that Clark was never a fountain of honesty with Lex either.

Oh, Well, Clark huffed off to the cave and found Lana there.

"Lana, what are you doing here?"

"Probably the same thing you are ... it's peaceful."

Actually, day or night, caves are cold, creepy and damp.

"It's funny, isn't it?" Lana asked, and we knew it wouldn't be funny, witty, or amusing. "After everything we've been through, I thought it would take us longer to get over it." You're high school kids, Lana. Though if you're like the Lana in the comics, you'll never evolve emotionally beyond your high school years.

"Us?" Yes, Clark, what she really meant is you. How dare you get over her.

"You and Lois."

"Lois? She's ... bossy," he said, but Lana smiled knowingly. She didn't really, but I think she was trying to. Clark quickly added, "She's stuck up, she's rude ... I can't stand her."

Compare that to how Clark described Lois to his parents on L&C:

"Complicated, domineering, uncompromising, pig-headed ... brilliant." I loved that it ended on a note of admiration. You won't find that kind of honesty on Smallville. Not in front of the sacred Lana anyway.

However, you'll notice in everything Clark said about Lois to Lana, the one thing he didn't say was an emphatic "No!" in response to Lana's suggestion that he and Lois were a couple.

Lana, as the tragic strings began to swell, said, "The best ones always start that way."

Again, no denial from Clark.

Lana glanced at the tattoo glyph. "Do you believe in destiny?"

"I don't want to."

I have to agree with Cindy. I hate the word destiny on Smallville because it is overused almost as much as it is on the soap opera Passions.

"Lana, what is it you're not telling me? Does it have something to do with this guy you met?"

"No, no it doesn't, but I'm sorry you found out the way you did."

A weepy oboe in the background mourns the young low fat lovers. "I should go," and so saying, off she went. Now Lana is as big a secret keeper and liar as Clark, but somehow her behavior will be justified. She's sacred Lana, after all.

I'll skip the scene of Lex gloating as Lionel is mainstreamed into the general prison population and cut to possibly the least important scene they chose for the ending of the episode.

Lana was throwing junk out of the Talon apartment, which I thought was already cleaned up and out when Adam left, just as Jason entered with a bouquet of flowers.

"What are you doing here?"

"Giving you time," he said and whipped out a note and read, 'Dear Jason, I have to go back home. I wish I had time to explain.' So now you do."

Whitney got a "I'm dumping you" videotape and Jason only got a two sentence brush off. I guess Lana goes by how much time she spends with a guy. She spent at least a year with Whitney, so he got the Kodak stab in the heart moment.

"I'm sorry, Jason. I don't know what to say." Give her a pen and paper or camcorder, Jason, it helps.

"It's okay, it's all right," he said. "I kept trying to convince myself this wasn't about me (it's all about Lana), but you can't really put that in a note, can you?"

He started to walk off, but Lana said "wait," because she couldn't bear the thought of losing two obsessed men in one night. "Jason, I'm not sorry to see you. It's just that you came all this way and I wish I had a better explanation for you." Not till there's better writers.

"For why you left Paris, or why you left me?"

"You know how I feel about you." Yes, he's worth a two sentence breakup note. "That hasn't changed, but I can't go back."

"Lana, I didn't come here to bring you back. I came here to be with you."

Then they make out while this whiny singer in the background repeats the line "She will be loved" over and over. We get it already. No matter who else might be deserving of love, or to be free of Lana's spell, Lana herself will be loved by everyone all the time and no exceptions. Not even Lois is permitted to dislike her. It is the purpose and theme of this series.

With the end of this episode, I get a serious feeling that it's business as usual again. Next week's clip deals with plastic surgery and the ad made sure to include a scene of Lana blindfolded being kissed by another girl. She will be loved. She will be loved. She will be loved ... wash, rinse, repeat.

Zoom (putting Gabe Sullivan's picture on a milk carton)

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